January 2010:
This morning I was musing about family relationships--specifically parents, grandparents and siblings.
My parents were 40 when I was born and my grandparents and aunts were, accordingly, older as well. My sister was 10 years older too. So, as far as taking care of relatives went, that was something I never really did. My grandparents and mother all died by the time I was 16 and my dad was very robust up to his death at 87. He made his own decisions on his care together with my stepmother. I lived in another city, 8 hours' drive away. I was a single parent with responsibilities to a young daughter. I don't regret that I wasn't "there" for my Dad. We had a mutual understanding that I was to stand on my own two feet and so was he. We talked on the phone weekly and my daughter and I visited him every 6 weeks for long weekends. We created a lot of memories over those years, good ones. When he became too feeble for my stepmother to manage at home, he made the decision to go into a lodge but he actually died barely 6 months later. I think he chose that way and, up to the end, he was lucid and made his own decisions. When the docs pressed him to have an operation, he said "I am 87 and I have had a good life. Give me painkillers and let me be." Both my stepmother and I supported him when the docs wanted us to override him. I am glad that we did. He left this world the way that he wanted to.
My sister died at 48 but she lived in another state, had her own family and I was only able to visit her a few times in the final year of her illness. I wish we'd lived closer but it just wasn't feasible. Still, we mended fences in that final year, gave mutual forgiveness for silly things we had said and done to each other over the years. I am thankful that we both faced up to the fact that her time on this earth was over and that letting everything but love go was the best thing to do.
As both Mom and my sister died young of cancer (Mom 56, sis, as I said, 48) I have felt that these last 20 years have put a responsibility on me to live well as they never had a chance to or didn't have the knowledge to. Mom could have taken better care of herself; sis put her career ahead of her health. Dad took very good care of himself; is it coincidence that he lived to be 87 and was healthy right up to the final 6 months? Do I want to live to be 87, as my dad did? I really don't know but I do know that I want to live as he did--independently, making his own decisions, and not require Laurie to bear any kind of burden. I want her and her children to remember me as I do him, lucid to the end, choosing his own path. I would rather that they didn't have the memories I do of my mother and sister, suffering and wasting away.
I want them to have their own friends and their own lives because the normal--hoped-for on my part--course is that children live on past their parents and so they need their own support system after I am gone. I will be only a memory, I won't be able to be there as they encounter more things down the road. I do miss my Dad terribly. The other day I was sorting through a box of old cards and photos and came across a Christmas card he'd written and I felt such an intense longing for his wisdom, his love. But I have him in my heart, I am thankful for that. And I miss my mother and sister and wish I could have had them longer. But it wasn't to be and, again, now the responsibility lies with me to make my own way in life, to create memories that I can hand on to my daughter and family that they can pick and choose from.
One thing I've been realizing as I sort through my memorabilia, and as we sorted through my m-i-l's memorabilia last year: the memories that my family will cherish in the future will be of their own choosing, not mine. The things that meant a lot to me may not mean a lot to them. So it's pointless, sometimes, to hang on to things just because "I am keeping them for my children." Once they are old enough, ask them if they want it, and if not, and if you don't want it, let it go. Sure they may be sorry in the future, but probably only in a passing way. At least that's been my experience.
Nope, we have to live for ourselves, not for our parents, not for our children. Our parents chose their lives and the greatest honor we can accord them is to be the very best that we can be in our own lives; to live our lives to the full. Our parents gave us the gift of life. It is our responsibility to care for that gift wisely and well. Ditto our children.
So in terms of health--I've finally got there--we ought to live according to the healthy principles that we now know, in our generation. So my mother stuffed me full of food when I was a child as a sign of love. That's what SHE knew, but I know better now. And my sister decided that a hectic career, flying hither, thither and yon, skimping on sleep, eating haphazardly, was more important than taking care of her health. She chose that, but I don't have to. Not because I want to live to be 87 or because I fear the future, but because I want to live healthy NOW. I want to take advantage of all the beauties where I live now. I want to run and not be weary and walk and not faint. I want to swing my grandchildren around in the park and play with them and not sit on a park bench waving at them or have them see me lying on the couch--NOW. I want them to hear that Grandma has gone hiking, or have them go hiking with me, NOW and into their teens and 20s I in my 60s, in my 70s, maybe in my 80s. I can prepare for that NOW. I want to sit in front of them and eat healthy foods and them to see that healthy foods are fun and delicious. NOW. That it's the conversation and love and play that's as nourishing as the food.
The future will take care of itself if we take care of the present.
And that's my soapbox for today :) Now if only I can get rid of this cold....
This morning I was musing about family relationships--specifically parents, grandparents and siblings.
My parents were 40 when I was born and my grandparents and aunts were, accordingly, older as well. My sister was 10 years older too. So, as far as taking care of relatives went, that was something I never really did. My grandparents and mother all died by the time I was 16 and my dad was very robust up to his death at 87. He made his own decisions on his care together with my stepmother. I lived in another city, 8 hours' drive away. I was a single parent with responsibilities to a young daughter. I don't regret that I wasn't "there" for my Dad. We had a mutual understanding that I was to stand on my own two feet and so was he. We talked on the phone weekly and my daughter and I visited him every 6 weeks for long weekends. We created a lot of memories over those years, good ones. When he became too feeble for my stepmother to manage at home, he made the decision to go into a lodge but he actually died barely 6 months later. I think he chose that way and, up to the end, he was lucid and made his own decisions. When the docs pressed him to have an operation, he said "I am 87 and I have had a good life. Give me painkillers and let me be." Both my stepmother and I supported him when the docs wanted us to override him. I am glad that we did. He left this world the way that he wanted to.
My sister died at 48 but she lived in another state, had her own family and I was only able to visit her a few times in the final year of her illness. I wish we'd lived closer but it just wasn't feasible. Still, we mended fences in that final year, gave mutual forgiveness for silly things we had said and done to each other over the years. I am thankful that we both faced up to the fact that her time on this earth was over and that letting everything but love go was the best thing to do.
As both Mom and my sister died young of cancer (Mom 56, sis, as I said, 48) I have felt that these last 20 years have put a responsibility on me to live well as they never had a chance to or didn't have the knowledge to. Mom could have taken better care of herself; sis put her career ahead of her health. Dad took very good care of himself; is it coincidence that he lived to be 87 and was healthy right up to the final 6 months? Do I want to live to be 87, as my dad did? I really don't know but I do know that I want to live as he did--independently, making his own decisions, and not require Laurie to bear any kind of burden. I want her and her children to remember me as I do him, lucid to the end, choosing his own path. I would rather that they didn't have the memories I do of my mother and sister, suffering and wasting away.
I want them to have their own friends and their own lives because the normal--hoped-for on my part--course is that children live on past their parents and so they need their own support system after I am gone. I will be only a memory, I won't be able to be there as they encounter more things down the road. I do miss my Dad terribly. The other day I was sorting through a box of old cards and photos and came across a Christmas card he'd written and I felt such an intense longing for his wisdom, his love. But I have him in my heart, I am thankful for that. And I miss my mother and sister and wish I could have had them longer. But it wasn't to be and, again, now the responsibility lies with me to make my own way in life, to create memories that I can hand on to my daughter and family that they can pick and choose from.
One thing I've been realizing as I sort through my memorabilia, and as we sorted through my m-i-l's memorabilia last year: the memories that my family will cherish in the future will be of their own choosing, not mine. The things that meant a lot to me may not mean a lot to them. So it's pointless, sometimes, to hang on to things just because "I am keeping them for my children." Once they are old enough, ask them if they want it, and if not, and if you don't want it, let it go. Sure they may be sorry in the future, but probably only in a passing way. At least that's been my experience.
Nope, we have to live for ourselves, not for our parents, not for our children. Our parents chose their lives and the greatest honor we can accord them is to be the very best that we can be in our own lives; to live our lives to the full. Our parents gave us the gift of life. It is our responsibility to care for that gift wisely and well. Ditto our children.
So in terms of health--I've finally got there--we ought to live according to the healthy principles that we now know, in our generation. So my mother stuffed me full of food when I was a child as a sign of love. That's what SHE knew, but I know better now. And my sister decided that a hectic career, flying hither, thither and yon, skimping on sleep, eating haphazardly, was more important than taking care of her health. She chose that, but I don't have to. Not because I want to live to be 87 or because I fear the future, but because I want to live healthy NOW. I want to take advantage of all the beauties where I live now. I want to run and not be weary and walk and not faint. I want to swing my grandchildren around in the park and play with them and not sit on a park bench waving at them or have them see me lying on the couch--NOW. I want them to hear that Grandma has gone hiking, or have them go hiking with me, NOW and into their teens and 20s I in my 60s, in my 70s, maybe in my 80s. I can prepare for that NOW. I want to sit in front of them and eat healthy foods and them to see that healthy foods are fun and delicious. NOW. That it's the conversation and love and play that's as nourishing as the food.
The future will take care of itself if we take care of the present.
And that's my soapbox for today :) Now if only I can get rid of this cold....
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