What Qualities Do I Most Value in Friends?

My daughter gave me an app for my birthday--a question a week for the next year. I felt this question was something I could share on my blog.

Years ago I came across a short explanation that fit perfectly what I wanted in a friend:

“Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.” (Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life For A Life)

I had some bad experiences when I was quite young with so-called friends who turned on me, who suddenly stopped being my friends, either when someone more interesting came along or because I said something they didn’t like and they suddenly decided they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. It hurt. It would have been great if, as a result, I had developed healthy boundaries, where I learned not to open my heart so fast to people, not to share things quite so much, until I knew that the person I was sharing things with WAS the kind of person in Craik’s quote. I didn’t though and so, as a result, I have had a lot of friendships that continued to be confusing, continued to be hurtful through my life. I still overshare, something I never quite understand--if I am such an introvert, why do I tell people my life's story within an hour of first meeting them?

Still I have been blessed with a few friends that I have at this stage of my life with whom I do feel safe. I may not hear from them constantly, but they are there. They are friends who have gone through similar experiences to what I have—moving around, losing people, being hurt. Some of them are quite strong about it, very matter-of-fact and I value them for reminding me that, yes, I can get through tough times. Others are as tender and vulnerable as I am, constantly checking themselves for what they may have done wrong when relationships don’t work (it’s not always OUR fault, as my strong friends will remind me.) I value time spent with them—even if it’s in reading and writing emails across the miles--because I know that I am not the only one who does get broken hearted. It feels like a virtual hug with these friends, not quite being able to “fix” hurts and misunderstandings but at least being there for each other.

There were times in my life that I desperately needed advice, emotional (sometimes financial or physical) support. People came into my life who offered that and I am grateful that they were there. They didn’t always stay though; I have known a lot of people in my 70 years but now I can literally count on one hand my “close” friends, people that I stay in contact with weekly, that I share my deep concerns with. And that’s okay. I am not good at socializing—I consider myself mostly introverted and I don’t get energy from being around people, I get it from being alone, doing quiet things. Or being with just one person, a trustworthy person. I guess that I value that in people too—I value someone who understands my need for solitude, who doesn’t think they know “what’s good for me,” who is independent as I am. I don’t do very well with dependent people, I tend to pull away and then I am the one hurting THEM. It’s something that’s taken me a long time to learn—that it’s as much my responsibility not to hurt as it is not to BE hurt. It’s difficult to find that sweet spot though, not to offer more than I can give in a friendship, because there is a desire in me to somehow still be of service, to still show love and caring. I am looking for the kind of balance that St. Francis of Assisi achieved in his life. 

Quoting from Fr. Richard Rohr: "Francis’s eagerness to serve God by preaching did not limit his deep love for meeting God in prayer. When he needed rest from the crowds who gathered to hear him, it was customary for Francis 'to divide the time given him . . . to spend some of it to benefit his neighbors and use the rest in the blessed solitude of contemplation.’” I don’t have crowds gathering to hear me—unless I am substitute teaching, a whole other subject—and I don’t spend my solitary time in deep meditative prayer but I do want to still be able to benefit my neighbors—by offering some kind of friendship?—while still being able to enjoy my solitude.

But speaking of solitude--yes, I have a husband but we are both introverted so a lot of times it's like living alone--after saying that there would never be another dog in our household, we have adopted a rescue dog. When we returned from our vacation, we felt the house was so empty. And we learned that our local rescue shelter was full, they were asking for, at least, people willing to foster dogs. We went to the shelter and met Precious. Both Richard and I bonded with her and, after a week Belle (Precious reminded us too much of Lord of the Rings) has become a part of the family. She needs to learn a few manners, specifically about walking on the leash, which means we need to learn how to train her. Mitzi was a fairly good leash walker, I never had to do much with her about that. 

The main thing after the first week though is that she is very happy in her new home and, most importantly, Richard is as much involved in settling her in as I am. Although he loved her, Mitzi was very much "my" dog when it came to walking and training. This new venture, at least right now, is going to be a partnership. Yay!