Into uncharted waters

Having finally come to terms with living in one foreign culture, rural Arizona, the Fates have decided I need to tackle a new one, that of living with someone who is increasingly becoming more mentally fragile. Who is showing signs of, perhaps, early dementia?

I am no doctor and, actually, that's what I/we are now trying to determine, what exactly is going on with them? For all the years I have known them, they have from time to time suffered from anxiety. They've withdrawn into darkened rooms, sleeping during the day, up at night. Bouts of delirious joy at some strange scheme they've dreamed up and then days or sometimes hours later, despair. They had a big fixation/obsession/problem in their lives that for decades I've tried to help them resolve. A lot of the mechanics of it were resolved a few years ago but the memories still linger on for them. 

In the past we've, both of us because for better or for worse we are a partnership, each dealt with this in different ways. We've moved cities, changed jobs, changed houses. I've gone away for a time alone to rejuvenate. I've cried on people's shoulders, probably overshared. They've burrowed into their art, their science. Made great plans for change and then torn them up. However this latest episode of anxiety has brought out a new specter: that perhaps at this age and stage, it's only going to get worse. For the first time I see not just a kind of low-level pessimism and "odd" behavior but actually the signs of, ulp, dementia, the kinds of things that I've witnessed in older friends and relatives.

I'm no doctor and I fully realize the important that they be evaluated. It's what primarily I, and to a lesser extent the person, are aiming for. This past week has seen a trip to ER, a trip to the GP, various OTC sleeping aids (all that the GP will recommend until he receives an evaluation from his agency of choice) and hours of trying very hard to hold onto my own temper and disposition. I finally had to write down our plan of the hour so that, as they've careered from one decision to another, I can show them what we both agreed was necessary. I will call the mental health service recommended by the doctor and hand the phone to them, on speaker mode. They will agree to a Zoom evaluation. Tomorrow. At a set, specific time, no coming up with an excuse to delay. 

Which is all that I can do for my partner. I have to focus on right now, I have to be the one that analyzes and acts. But what about my own strength? I've helped from time to time over the years but this latest, this is scarier than what I have seen in the past. Not in terms of physical harm to either of us; I want to make sure that's clear. But just in terms of my not really knowing where this is all heading.

Serendipitously an email arrived in my mailbox this morning sent from "How She Thrives" full of good articles on the very thing I needed, pointing me to helps with the question I am facing "How do I navigate through this in the healthiest way possible, first for me and then for my partner?" 

The reason I still write this blog is that you, dear readers, are good friends who live at a distance. If you were nearby we could have coffee together, we could chat. I could listen to what's going on in your lives and you would listen to what's going on in mine. Without judgement. Without trying to prescribe a solution. On either part. Simply listen. Maybe laugh, maybe (hopefully) find other subjects. When I lived in Santa Fe I hiked in the mountains with my friends where ultimately our focus became just getting up and down. Exhilarating, giving the mind a chance to rest. 

It's the blessed knowledge that you aren't merely a supplicant but a well-beloved friend because you're not always the one struggling, sometimes they are too and then YOU'RE the one they reach out to. Showing that the friendship is indeed two-way. 

I don't have that "go for a walk/go for a hike/have coffee today" kind of friendship, at least so far, here in the city where I live. It just hasn't developed, much as I have tried. I'm still ready now (hear that, Fates?) if a friendship does offer itself because, actually, in my past attempts that didn't work out, I've learned what, at this stage of my life, I offer as a friend and what I in turn myself need. But if all I have is acquaintances that I see for an hour at Episcopal church or at exercise group--I actually have several of those--well, then that's okay too because I am very, very blessed with more intimate friends who are on the other end of an email.

This morning's email from "How She Thrives" shows me I am on the right path and the first of the articles she recommended, "Doubting Resilience Undermines Resilience" https://positiveprescription.com/doubting-resilience-undermines-resilience/ has already been helpful.

At first I was turned off, feeling that it was another one of those "pick yourself up, dust yourself off" types of articles that, when you're already feeling overwhelmed only makes you (or at least me) feel misunderstood and dismissed. But there was one sentence that I am adding to my "part of the journey" list: "Having a "not yet" mentality, and recognizing that additional training is essential to further refine skills and master further challenges...." This IS helpful. The rest of the article really is too "rah rah" for me right now but I am thankful I saw that one bit.

Because the truth is I am not there "yet", I'm not really sure where this journey will lead. But I know that I can't give up and flail my arms. I'm NOT drowning, I'm just paddling in uncharted waters. I am learning, and WILL learn, the best way to paddle, to steer. When to pull over and rest for awhile, when to keep paddling. I still have so many resources to explore that will be helpful. And my partner is still at a stage where they are amenable to themselves being helped. They haven't given up.

This is a warning sign, this is a nudge to keep consulting life's manual, seeking out and then following good advice. And my blog is probably going to now contain fewer physical travel stories--a trip to Alaska is coming up in a few weeks though--and more stories about aging and accepting that process in the healthiest way possible.

Thanks for being there!