I never imagined I would live in Arizona. Never knew about Arizona really. I knew it had dude ranches, courtesy of an old book I read as an adolescent, a Trixie Belden mystery set in Arizona. But living in eastern Canada in the 1950s through mid 1970s, the West, especially the US West, was more about cowboys than anything else. Laurie and I went to a dude ranch in Tucson in 1996 and, to be honest, I wasn’t really enthralled by the area. California was far more glamorous.
So, in terms of my location right now, well, I never would have imagined either living in Arizona or even wanting to.
But one of the things I often wish I had done—much as I am glad to be where I am, doing what I am, having the people around me that I have—is to have planned more when I was younger. It’s not that I didn’t have friends who had plans. I had a friend who wanted to be a doctor, some teachers, nurses, one friend wanted to be a nun, other friends who were determined to go to university for the experience, even though they weren’t sure what they wanted to “be”. They were going to go to university and work as hard there as they worked in high school. In fact, all of the high school friends I know of who did go stuck to studying hard and doing well. And their lives seem to have turned out with far less drama than mine has although many admire what I have managed to do with my life. But in high school I just kind of drifted along, my mother had been a secretary, my sister was a secretary, I assumed that’s what I would be once I graduated from high school. I assumed I would meet a boy, fall in love, get married. Just like my mother and my sister had done. But when I did fall in love in high school it was always with boys who would string me along for a bit and then drop me. And I did the same thing to boys who liked me.
But I did have a dream world. In my dream world in my adolescence and teens, I was going to be a dancer, a choreographer and/or a famous actress. I would win an Academy Award and graciously accept it. I used to practice dancing in my basement, practice giving acceptance speeches in front of the mirror when I was alone in the house. I watched old movies because I had no interest in joining groups or clubs; my dream world was so much more comfortable.
But I learned those dreams were unworkable; or at least I believed what I was told, I believed my early experiences. My parents wouldn’t pay for dancing lessons, I never got picked for lead roles in school plays. I think it was being so much younger in a house of adults, a world of adults. I was “pat you on the head” cute but no one took much interest in what kind of person I might become—what I might do with my life. So those dreams were gone by the time I was in my mid teens.
Nothing was stopping me, though, when I went to university, from taking Drama or being part of theatre groups. But by then I was too inhibited, too much in my shell, to even consider joining. I just figured I’d never belong so why even go. I got involved with people who were just as mixed up, hurt, as I was and we all just “hung out” together, not really thinking about the future. The future would somehow happen and, yeah, that’s actually true (unless you die). But I now know that you can influence what happens and that takes a lot of “being in the now”, being aware of what makes you happy, truly happy not something you find in a bottle or a joint or with someone else.
I cut things off too soon when I was in my late teens and 20s—I ignored signs that something could actually be a good thing and could represent the peace that I kept saying I wanted—and although I am happy with where I am, I will always wonder what would have happened if I had actually followed my dreams and stuck to the things that really interested me. I always seem to have given up too soon.
Life turned out well in the end for me and I am not complaining. In fact I am amazed because a lot of the choices I made wouldn’t—without some kind of divine intervention—have led me to having a pleasant marriage, loving family, good friends, security. I was lucky and I hope that my grandchildren won’t have to rely on that kind of luck to be happy a lot earlier in life than I was.
I guess this is true of many of us. I had thoughts about what I wanted to do at Uni, but that all changed in the light of real life. Still, not at all dissatisfied with how I "backed" into the career that eventually fed me, a husband, and raised a child. I enjoyed the work, got some travel out of it, and in the end, I'm enjoying a retirement with "enough". I'm a big fan of life in general and would not change anything that made me who I am today.
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